Life is good...and you can't really help how you feel.

So, the past three days have been completely filled with music for me. Thursday was another fun night hosting Open Mic at Wayne's Place. We had a few new faces step up and jam which was really nice. Friday, Dave and I jammed at Uncle Kenny's Saloon. Any time we get together to do something, it ends up being a fun time. Today I opened up a show with a bunch of artists at Uncle Buck's riding stable and dance barn. Jeremy Gibson put the event together and I was happy to be part of it. I got to take Miranda and Liam to one of my performances for the first time in months...which was really nice. Today was also the day of what has become an annual event...He Reigns. I have to admit that I am torn about this concert. I founded He Reigns in 2007 as a music ministry. It's grown a great deal from the smaller events inside the Mulberry Community Center, but the vision is not exactly what I had in mind for it. I don't really have anything to do with the series anymore, which is not by my design. I didnt choose to be out of that picture, yet that is the reality. I am glad to see the event continuing, but it's a bittersweet feeling. It might not bother me quite as much had my "removal" from the event been something I was at least slightly in agreement with. I've asked to be included in it, even if it was just leading worship for a short set, but that hasn't happened. I'm sure that the people in charge of it have their reasons, and I'm also fairly sure that I wouldn't agree with them. Anyways...I've got another big show coming up on saturday night with White Noise. I'm also working on getting things in order for a big benefit concert to help out with expenses in the wake of my mom's death. So I'm keeping myself occuppied...I am just a bit irritated right now. It seems that the harder I try, the more frustrating life becomes.

What in the world is going on with me?

I finally recovered the information for this account to sign in again since it was on my laptop that I reformatted. *doh!* It's been almost a year since the last entry and it's been a mixed bag again with most things resting on the extremes. I'm back down to being in one band again (as well as an acoustic duo/side project). Southbound came to an end after we basically just stopped practicing, That sucked. Things had gotten stale and it stopped being fun for the most part. F-Five is now White Noise and going strong. I'm also hosting Open Mic at Wayne's Place on thursday nights. I've been harrassed by police in middleport. I made a big move to Racine United Methodist Church that left much to be desired. It's been months now since I've been to church, following several issues with the pastor at the church in Racine. We had a dispute on my last day there about sunday morning services where it was brought to my attention that he didnt feel it was his job to teach the bible to people on sunday mornings and that THAT was something meant for bible study, not "church". Since then I've had to do a lot of searching in my heart over where I stand. I'm torn about so many things in the church right now. I still feel called to ministry, but experiences like that make things feel hopeless at times. I cannot continue to be a part of a body of believers who is led by a man who (in my opinion) has no real place in leadership. I'm glad that I didnt complicate the situation by joining while I was there. I'm looking to make a move as soon as next week. I had intended to make a change early this month, but life stepped in. My mom passed away in the beginning of July and sent my world for a loop. I feel empty...like something big is missing from me...I'm feeling more broken than ever before. I've put off a move to another church because I wanted to take a bit of time to collect myself, but I'm finding out that if I keep waiting for that to happen, I'll never end up going again. I need to start moving forward now. I've got enough stuff on my mind to type away for hours, but I'll try to put it to rest for now. I'll be getting back to writing and posting soon I hope, but unlike the last few times I said that and didnt, I'm not making any promises right now.

pain

So...In rougly 14 hours, the 9th He Reigns event will take place. 9 has always been my lucky number, yet this years event will be the first one without me involved in any way. This is NOT of my own doing. I started the He Reigns event because of a calling from God. I felt compelled to organize the worship event in order to bring christians of differing backgrounds together. I also wanted it to be a sort of a counter to the othe larger rock and blues events in the area that always tend to invove a lot of alcohol and are not family friendly. I felt that He Reigns would be eventually grow into multiple events, spreading the Gospel and hoped to reach out to people in a positive way. I cannot say that what is happening now with He Reigns is bad (I dont feel that way at all), but I can say that it is not the same vision that started the event. It was intended to be more than just an event. I wanted it to be an organization..working to do more outreach to the community. It is now a pretty big, yearly event that brings a number of local church bands together. I cannot say exatly how it is that the founder of He Reigns has been completely removed from the event, but I can say that it is not easy for me. I wish things were different...but then...there are a lot of things closely connected to this that I wish were different. I do not want anybody to think that I am bitter...I'm NOT. I am glad to see He Reigns continuing an reaching the community. I would have loved to be a part of this event that is taking place tomorrow, but then again...I would have loved to have never been taken out of the loop to begin with, which started back in fall of 2009. The biggest reason that I will not be at the event this year (at least not the bulk of it) is because it is too hard for me to do. I have been actively involved in ministry in some form since 2003...and now, I have been removed from most everything....though that is changing in a way...anyways...I need to stop for now...I wish everyone the best tomorrow and hope to hear about yet another sucessful "He Reigns!" event.

Reflecting

So...the website is finally working for me again so yay me! Anyways...another day passes and the world feels a little bit colder. This past year has had several ups and downs... I was removed from something I love dearly... My marriage nearly fell apart... I strained a few friendships... It seems that about the only positives for me have been that I worked through the marriage strains and the friendships are still intact, even if just barely. It is really hard for me to keep from being angry these days. I've tried for two years to do what other people expected of me and it made me absolutely miserable. It's never easy to conform to what somebody else wants, especially when you don't know what they want. I've been held to a double standard, and I find it hard to trust people whom I always felt I could turn to. I've censored myself to the point that I can barely stand to look at a keyboard these days. The last few times I have posted what is on my mind, it came back to bite me in the ass. The fact is that I am the same person now that I was in 2008. I've grown for the better, regardless of what anbody else may think. I've agreed with people who claim the opposite, but I don't really believe it now that I have taken a step back and evaluated my life. I've made some bad decisions, but I have learned from those. I'm not used to having people outright tell me they can't trust me. I'm not used to people telling me that my word doesn't mean a damn thing. I'm not used to being told one thing and agreeing to it just to later be told something entirely different. Okay, ya got me...I'm angry. I don't care if people know it. I've got a lot to be angry for. I've had people claim to be friends who have used words spoken in confidence to bury me. I've had "friends" try to get my family evicted for their own selfish gain. I've had people try to beak me down to conform me to what THEY think I should be. I've been burned to the point that I sometimes wonder if just about every decision I've made over the past four years has been a mistake....the fact is that I know better. I'm not giving up, despite what some may believe. I know who I am. I know that God has called me to serve him. I know that the struggles have been placed beore me for a reason. I've had most everything I held with any real value taken away, and I'm still standing. I'm dont trying to conform. I'm done with keeping my mouth shut. I don't hold any bitterness towards anbody...it does me no good to waste my energy on bitterness. I'm going to do what I know God has called me to do come hell or high water. The gloves are off. I spent the past several years trying to make everybody happy and I see where that has gotten me. I'm going to do that I know I am called to do and I am going to live me life. If you get offended, so be it. I am who I am and I'm not sorry for it. So...here is a fair warning... I'm back.

Life so far...

Time for a bit of an update...I nearly forgot I had this blog....but now that I do remember it, I'm going to be putting it to use....so...first order of business....

This past weekend, my band had to replace our bassist, who is likely very angry with me right now...We have had a few meetings and several phone calls trying to figure out how to make it work with him in the band...finally enough was enough and on friday we had one final meeting...a practice to see how we sound without him to rule out once and for all the sound issues we've had with him...well...the day of that pratice, the guy asks me if I know when we are getting together again...i told him I didnt know, because I didnt know how to say "We're meeting tonight without you to discuss any passibly way to keep you before letting you go"....he found out when we let him go on friday...so yeah...probably angry with me...I know he is to be perfectly honest....

So I've been stressed out about that....I've also been worried about my wife. Her medical condition had been very scary the past several months...And I've been having some odd medical problems....I'm thinking maybe chronic depression but I dont know....I cant sleep..when I do it doesnt refresh me...I have bouts where I can barely stay awake that hit from nowhere...but aside from that and some chronic pain I feel fine....

I'm extremely busy these days.....and it seems that there is always something big being put in my way....yeah...I'm stressed....I'm angry a lot of the time when thinking about issues like our government or the way I am treated by people...espeially that one though.....

Too many people I know seem to think that I have some problems that I cannot deal with on my own...I have people telling me they are worried about me or that I've not been acting myself. STOP. Nobody needs to be worried about me or concerned about me. I'm spiritually feeling better than I have in a few years...an despite these nagging health issues, I am atually feeling okay. Life is good. MY life is good...I can take care of myself....It gets old having people come and ask me if I'm alright...or telling me I dont seem like myself....I feel like myself.

yes this is a rant.....and I tend to get myself into trouble with rants these days...but I'm not buying into it anymore. I am who I am...I'm not trying to be who others think I should be anymore...that life was too hard...and fake.

Good Works

Heading up to Athens with the Oasis band for a show at Good Works. My back is actually feeling okay right now..let's hope it stays that way. I'll likely be posting more about this event..depending on what inspires me..I know it has been a little while....but things are happening.

#2: Change is good despite our opinions

For better or worse, people seem to have stronger feelings regarding WWE than they have in years. I get so tired of hearing the same lines about Cena being overrated. The man makes money for the company. That is NOT overrated. But now, people are caring about more than just one person on the roster. Angles are growing and people are starting to see that the entire company is changing. Athleticism has been taking a front seat, and storylines seem to actually make a little bit of sense.



I for one am excited about the way things have been going. CM Punk and his growing feud with Nash and Triple H has been very entertaining and the unknown variable makes it all work. Punk is gold on the mic, and despite the hatred that so many have for Kevin Nash…ah screw it…time for a bit of a rant.



When Nash showed up at the rumble, people were excited to see him back. People kept discussing how awesome a final WWE run could be for the big man. Fast forward to Summerslam and people are upset that Nash is back in a WWE ring. Where is the logic in this? If you are one of the people I am referring to, figure out the hypocrisy and drop the complaints.



Now...where was I? Oh yes, Despite people’s hatred of Nash, he is a perfect candidate to feud with Punk. Casual fans can see him and know that with his size, he is no pushover, even if they do not remember him. The smarks can remember what all Nash has done and see that he is undeniably a legend. Add Triple H into this mix and you’ve got a goldmine, provided the storyline keeps progressing.



Randy Orton is facing off against Mark Henry, which actually intrigues me because Henry actually stands a decent chance of winning this time around. I cannot stand Orton, so anybody taking the title from him is a positive in my book, but it is also a positive for WWE as well because Orton is a boring champion. Fans are not flocking to arenas to see him with the belt. If they were, Smackdown stars would not be showing up on Raw for the foreseeable future.



Smackdown in general is in danger right now. WWE has plenty of main event caliber talent, but they need to push them all up. Keeping Orton on top means no new guy can be pushed to the very top. Cena needs to lose to Del Rio as well, but afterward, somebody else should go after the strap, and I don’t mean CM Punk. He doesn’t need the belt right now. Give Morrison a run against Del Rio. He doesn’t have to win, but it raises his stock.

WWE is on the right track, regardless of what anybody else seems to think. They are making changes right now, which is the most important thing. It does not matter how they change, but that they change is the big issue.