pain

So...In rougly 14 hours, the 9th He Reigns event will take place. 9 has always been my lucky number, yet this years event will be the first one without me involved in any way. This is NOT of my own doing. I started the He Reigns event because of a calling from God. I felt compelled to organize the worship event in order to bring christians of differing backgrounds together. I also wanted it to be a sort of a counter to the othe larger rock and blues events in the area that always tend to invove a lot of alcohol and are not family friendly. I felt that He Reigns would be eventually grow into multiple events, spreading the Gospel and hoped to reach out to people in a positive way. I cannot say that what is happening now with He Reigns is bad (I dont feel that way at all), but I can say that it is not the same vision that started the event. It was intended to be more than just an event. I wanted it to be an organization..working to do more outreach to the community. It is now a pretty big, yearly event that brings a number of local church bands together. I cannot say exatly how it is that the founder of He Reigns has been completely removed from the event, but I can say that it is not easy for me. I wish things were different...but then...there are a lot of things closely connected to this that I wish were different. I do not want anybody to think that I am bitter...I'm NOT. I am glad to see He Reigns continuing an reaching the community. I would have loved to be a part of this event that is taking place tomorrow, but then again...I would have loved to have never been taken out of the loop to begin with, which started back in fall of 2009. The biggest reason that I will not be at the event this year (at least not the bulk of it) is because it is too hard for me to do. I have been actively involved in ministry in some form since 2003...and now, I have been removed from most everything....though that is changing in a way...anyways...I need to stop for now...I wish everyone the best tomorrow and hope to hear about yet another sucessful "He Reigns!" event.

Reflecting

So...the website is finally working for me again so yay me! Anyways...another day passes and the world feels a little bit colder. This past year has had several ups and downs... I was removed from something I love dearly... My marriage nearly fell apart... I strained a few friendships... It seems that about the only positives for me have been that I worked through the marriage strains and the friendships are still intact, even if just barely. It is really hard for me to keep from being angry these days. I've tried for two years to do what other people expected of me and it made me absolutely miserable. It's never easy to conform to what somebody else wants, especially when you don't know what they want. I've been held to a double standard, and I find it hard to trust people whom I always felt I could turn to. I've censored myself to the point that I can barely stand to look at a keyboard these days. The last few times I have posted what is on my mind, it came back to bite me in the ass. The fact is that I am the same person now that I was in 2008. I've grown for the better, regardless of what anbody else may think. I've agreed with people who claim the opposite, but I don't really believe it now that I have taken a step back and evaluated my life. I've made some bad decisions, but I have learned from those. I'm not used to having people outright tell me they can't trust me. I'm not used to people telling me that my word doesn't mean a damn thing. I'm not used to being told one thing and agreeing to it just to later be told something entirely different. Okay, ya got me...I'm angry. I don't care if people know it. I've got a lot to be angry for. I've had people claim to be friends who have used words spoken in confidence to bury me. I've had "friends" try to get my family evicted for their own selfish gain. I've had people try to beak me down to conform me to what THEY think I should be. I've been burned to the point that I sometimes wonder if just about every decision I've made over the past four years has been a mistake....the fact is that I know better. I'm not giving up, despite what some may believe. I know who I am. I know that God has called me to serve him. I know that the struggles have been placed beore me for a reason. I've had most everything I held with any real value taken away, and I'm still standing. I'm dont trying to conform. I'm done with keeping my mouth shut. I don't hold any bitterness towards anbody...it does me no good to waste my energy on bitterness. I'm going to do what I know God has called me to do come hell or high water. The gloves are off. I spent the past several years trying to make everybody happy and I see where that has gotten me. I'm going to do that I know I am called to do and I am going to live me life. If you get offended, so be it. I am who I am and I'm not sorry for it. So...here is a fair warning... I'm back.

Life so far...

Time for a bit of an update...I nearly forgot I had this blog....but now that I do remember it, I'm going to be putting it to use....so...first order of business....

This past weekend, my band had to replace our bassist, who is likely very angry with me right now...We have had a few meetings and several phone calls trying to figure out how to make it work with him in the band...finally enough was enough and on friday we had one final meeting...a practice to see how we sound without him to rule out once and for all the sound issues we've had with him...well...the day of that pratice, the guy asks me if I know when we are getting together again...i told him I didnt know, because I didnt know how to say "We're meeting tonight without you to discuss any passibly way to keep you before letting you go"....he found out when we let him go on friday...so yeah...probably angry with me...I know he is to be perfectly honest....

So I've been stressed out about that....I've also been worried about my wife. Her medical condition had been very scary the past several months...And I've been having some odd medical problems....I'm thinking maybe chronic depression but I dont know....I cant sleep..when I do it doesnt refresh me...I have bouts where I can barely stay awake that hit from nowhere...but aside from that and some chronic pain I feel fine....

I'm extremely busy these days.....and it seems that there is always something big being put in my way....yeah...I'm stressed....I'm angry a lot of the time when thinking about issues like our government or the way I am treated by people...espeially that one though.....

Too many people I know seem to think that I have some problems that I cannot deal with on my own...I have people telling me they are worried about me or that I've not been acting myself. STOP. Nobody needs to be worried about me or concerned about me. I'm spiritually feeling better than I have in a few years...an despite these nagging health issues, I am atually feeling okay. Life is good. MY life is good...I can take care of myself....It gets old having people come and ask me if I'm alright...or telling me I dont seem like myself....I feel like myself.

yes this is a rant.....and I tend to get myself into trouble with rants these days...but I'm not buying into it anymore. I am who I am...I'm not trying to be who others think I should be anymore...that life was too hard...and fake.