Reflecting

So...the website is finally working for me again so yay me! Anyways...another day passes and the world feels a little bit colder. This past year has had several ups and downs... I was removed from something I love dearly... My marriage nearly fell apart... I strained a few friendships... It seems that about the only positives for me have been that I worked through the marriage strains and the friendships are still intact, even if just barely. It is really hard for me to keep from being angry these days. I've tried for two years to do what other people expected of me and it made me absolutely miserable. It's never easy to conform to what somebody else wants, especially when you don't know what they want. I've been held to a double standard, and I find it hard to trust people whom I always felt I could turn to. I've censored myself to the point that I can barely stand to look at a keyboard these days. The last few times I have posted what is on my mind, it came back to bite me in the ass. The fact is that I am the same person now that I was in 2008. I've grown for the better, regardless of what anbody else may think. I've agreed with people who claim the opposite, but I don't really believe it now that I have taken a step back and evaluated my life. I've made some bad decisions, but I have learned from those. I'm not used to having people outright tell me they can't trust me. I'm not used to people telling me that my word doesn't mean a damn thing. I'm not used to being told one thing and agreeing to it just to later be told something entirely different. Okay, ya got me...I'm angry. I don't care if people know it. I've got a lot to be angry for. I've had people claim to be friends who have used words spoken in confidence to bury me. I've had "friends" try to get my family evicted for their own selfish gain. I've had people try to beak me down to conform me to what THEY think I should be. I've been burned to the point that I sometimes wonder if just about every decision I've made over the past four years has been a mistake....the fact is that I know better. I'm not giving up, despite what some may believe. I know who I am. I know that God has called me to serve him. I know that the struggles have been placed beore me for a reason. I've had most everything I held with any real value taken away, and I'm still standing. I'm dont trying to conform. I'm done with keeping my mouth shut. I don't hold any bitterness towards anbody...it does me no good to waste my energy on bitterness. I'm going to do what I know God has called me to do come hell or high water. The gloves are off. I spent the past several years trying to make everybody happy and I see where that has gotten me. I'm going to do that I know I am called to do and I am going to live me life. If you get offended, so be it. I am who I am and I'm not sorry for it. So...here is a fair warning... I'm back.